Butterfly

I have been self employed for seven years. This afforded me time to cuddle and feed my babies.  Time to watch first steps and know my community.  I have explored my passions and nurtured both children and adults.  I am lucky to have been able to form solid bonds with my children and make wonderful friends. I’ve enjoyed long summers working for myself which allowed me to spend time with my children walking to the Green Backyard for picnics or going where ever we fancy.  I could feed both my children for as long as they needed and parent on instinct.  This special time with my children has meant sacrificing other elements. Parenthood is never easy or simple.

Now I must fly forwards into a world of employment. That suddenly seems a little frightening.  9 to 5. Where I can no longer scrape my hair up and walk around with clothes muddied by messy hands.  Faded grey leggings with holes appearing in the seams and clothes picked out for comfort alone.  The uniform of motherhood.  Comments of surprise on days where I’ve worn make up or styled my hair.

Breakfast and after school clubs. Wrap around care to keep my children safe. I feel like an animal leaving her cubs in a safe place and going out to hunt. A feeling that others must help me look after my children.  A strange concept after seven years.  I cannot zoom to school in two minutes with a forgotten lunch box or swimming hat. I will miss knowing they are only over the fence.  But I know we need security to keep us together.  Our lives require more money to give us freedom to travel and do everything we want. Freedom from worry about managing to pay our rent on time. I need to be able to switch off sometimes from the pressure of provision.  I am driven but need to cruise sometimes too.  Every decision has consequence.  One reality changes another.  I hope I am doing the right thing.  Time will tell.  But I know my children can look up to me and know I always provided for them with love and security.

This was written a few weeks ago. So far it is all going really well. I am enjoying this different reality and new learning. The children are enjoying the changes too. I feel really grateful for this opportunity to work in a field I am passionate about.

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